Open doors & an anniversary.

The past few weeks have been mindblowingly wonderful. It is so easy to forget that EVERYTHING happens for a reason! After what seemed like a series of no's the past few months, I received the best kind of yes! Sometimes closed doors can be the best things for us because it leaves the possibility of bigger more beautiful doors to open. Never give up, keep working hard and have faith, and eventually things will fall into place.

On another note, today is the 1 year anniversary of M and I's engagement! On an even more exciting note, HE WILL BE HERE IN 3 DAYS! This time apart, although SERIOUSLY tough, has really brought us closer. And having to go through so much effort with his visa and us actually being together is a great reminder of how much we truly care and love one another. I remember hearing somewhere about how distance to love is like wind to a flame. If it is a small flame then the wind can easily put the fire out, but if the fire is strong enough it will spread and become even bigger. I find that to be so true.

Other recent thoughts that have crossed my mind recently have to do w/ love and communication. It baffles me how some people neglect to think about how their words and actions affect others, especially those that they love. When we love our friends and family, we care for their feelings, and therefore we should be very conscious of striving to ensure that our words and actions support and lift up their spirit. When this consciousness exists between BOTH individuals, the relationship is able to flourish. We must own our actions and our words and take responsibility for how we impact others. 

(A random photo that makes me smile and may look familiar. It was taken during class in Gulu, Uganda one day when us students were a wee bit bored and melting from the heat.) 

Our ego & inner guide.

I came across these words on this blog today. It made things a little clearer for me:

... our ego speaks loudly while our inner guide is a soft whisper. When we have a fearful and separate thought (i.e. “I’m not good enough,” “I can’t do this,” “She or he does this better than I do”), the reason we believe it is because it speaks louder. We are ignoring our inner guide because it doesn’t speak as loudly. Truth speaks softly because it is certain. Fear speaks loudly because it needs to be loud in order to seem real. The Course says, “Thinking of your thoughts as equals will destroy inner peace.” When you have a separate thought, acknowledge that it is not a loving thought and ask your inner guide to help you see things differently.

(A very special place in Akko where i often reflected on the concepts of self and truth)

Changes.

Lately i have been feeling incredibly overwhelmed. I cannot even believe it is May let alone the fact that i am graduating on friday. Everything is changing & i have had so much to think about. What scares me is how insanely fast time flies by. I feel like all i have wanted in the past is to get older, gain more freedom and responsibilities but now that i have it i am terrified. Everything that happens from now on is up in the air, nothing is for certain and this terrifies me. I have also been having negative thoughts about not being good enough and worries that i somehow will not "succeed" (whatever that means) in life and end up being a disappointment to myself and those i love.  There are so many jumbled up emotions inside of me. I probably need a good screaming sesh to get it all out!

I believe in you.

I often find myself extremely hurt by others because i believe too much in them. When it comes to my friends and family i cant help but think of them in terms of their highest potential. When i see people i love make decisions that i think may hurt them in the future, or that i think dont reflect the true value within them, i find myself disappointed and hurt. This is something i struggle with alot. I wish i could somehow lower my standards or expectations, but this is so hard for me to do because i truly believe in them.

I remind myself that i need to just be supportive and detached, your decision is your decision and i shouldn't let it affect me. I just wish you knew how much i believe in you and the strength that you have within youreself to follow your dreams and reach for the stars. You arent like everybody else. I know this with every fiber in my being. You are so special and sometimes i want to scream that to you at the top of my lungs. Why cant you see yourself the way that i do? Dont hide your true spirit from the world out of fear of how it may be received. Believe in yourself like i believe in you. It pains me that you dont. It truly causes me physical pain to see you make decisions that deprive you of all the things you deserve. I wish i could let it not affect me, but it does. It does because i love you and care for you and want the very best for you. You laugh at me. I think your laughter is a wall. You hide yourself from your inner truth because you are afraid.  Dont hide your true spirit from yourself and the rest of the world. Dont be ashamed to take risks or leave yourself vulnerable, you have the strength not only to endure it all, but to embrace all the challenges you come across. Please believe in yourself the way that i believe in you.

Gratitude list.

Im a firm believer in gratitude lists. Whenever any of my friends are feeling especially down i advise them to take some time and write a list of all the things they are grateful for. For me, making this list always reminds me how lucky and blessed i am and always manages to put things in perspective for me. Since things have been very hectic lately and i have been feeling a wee bit blue, i decided to take a few minutes and write a quick list.

1. Honey. This little creature has brought so much love in my life. The number of time she makes me laugh out loud because of her sillyness and cuteness is absurd.
2. My cousins. Who feel more like siblings than cousins. I feel so blessed to be so close to all of them. I truly feel like I have life-long sisters.
3. Starbucks.
4. Barnes and nobles.
5. Goucher. The fact that I have been able to attend the school of my dreams is such a blessing. I love everything about my school and am so thankful to my parents for helping me attend my first choice.
6. Being Persian. I love the Persian/ Iranian culture. The music, the language, the social scene... Im so happy and proud to be Persian.
7. Tea.
8. Meeting/ hearing about inspirational people who push and motivate me to follow my dreams and help confirm my faith in humanity.
9. My parents. Such amazing role models. I truly am lucky to have been raised by 2 people who live their lives with the goal to serve and promote love and unity. They are such givers.

Number 2 on my list: Cousins.

 Canada, summer 2007.

Poconos, summer 2007.

Tears at the airport.

My mom came to visit me during my last week in Rwanda. She came for 2 nights after i finally convinced her to visit. I told her over and over again that i knew that if she didn't visit me during my study abroad there, she would probably never travel to an African country and i really wanted her to experience my home for 4 months of my life. Before I went to the airport to pick her up, my friend Joanna told me that she knew i would cry when i saw my mom. I told her that i definitely wouldn't because i was more excited than anything so there was no reason why i would cry. I never thought i was someone who would cry when finally seeing a loved one after a long period of time. 

Later that day we went to the small Kigali airport to pick my mom up and i remember being outside and searching intently for her among the crowd. When i saw my mom i ran up to her and instantly burst into tears and started sobbing. The past few months had been amazing, but also the toughest and most challenging time of my entire life. Going to East Africa knowing absolutely no one, i ended up often having to rely on myself through the most uncomfortable and difficult situations. The second i hugged my mom i felt this immense sense of relief wash over me. Having her there felt so surreal. Up till then my family life was very separate from my life in Africa. With my mom visiting my two worlds were coming together for 3 days and it was sort of strange but also very special. For 3 days I was so happy and kind of proud to teach my mom about all i had learned, take her to my favourite spots, introduce her to my new friends, show her how to bargain, take public transportation, greet people, tell her which foods she had to eat..etc The whole time i spent with my mom was truly special, but out of all the memories we made i will never forget running up to her at the airport and hugging her after being apart for the longest period of time. Joanna was right, i lost control of my emotions and cried like a baby.